Wednesday, January 18, 2012

# 54

I leaned down to see how her leg was where she had been bitten and she pushed me off of her. I was shocked , she was not only OK but very odd acting. I asked her if I could look at her leg and she turned back at me with those eyes. The eyes were so silver, so creepy I damn near jumped out of my skin and she said softly "Why are you going to make me all better?" I have the willies just repeating it here. I tried explaining she was dead and the chemo was injected three times and yet she wouldn't wake up and she Cooley responded with "I look awake now don't I ?" Then she leaned over and looked right down at my knee. "Does it hurt a bad as it looks ?" in a tone of not care but odd curiosity. I said yes and she smiled, it was surreal.

She announced to me that she was tired from all of the walking and was laying down and when she did I went to the foot of the bed to check her bite. The bite was bad but strangely not bleeding, it was more like a red outlined scar and when I tried to touch her leg it was almost ice cold and she looked right at me when I did. "Can I be of some sort of service or are you trying to stop me from resting?" she said in a get away from me voice. I said "No go ahead and sleep, don't have me keep you up". She turned and closed those dead eyes and I sat in the chair in the kitchenette and put my face in my hands. "I must look almost as bad as you do" she said aloud as she went to sleep. I sat there thinking she was not Leeya, but some odd form of her. I thought of Pet Semetary and how they come back but not all the way back and thought it was what I had on my hands. "Sometimes dead is better" the voice of Herman Munster said in the movie, I was starting to think he was right for a moment. Should I have killed her? No that is crazy talk shes right there laying down, not trying to bite me. But she is different, she went from having that clueless innocence I wanted to protect to being harder than a marine in the war. What the hell is going on. I knew one person who may have a few answers and he was Fred and back at the hotel. As much as I hated it I was going to have to get us back to the Hotel and see if Fred knew what was happening.

I snuck out of the RV and headed back to the bus hoping my gas cans were still there. That someone didn't come along and take them, not that I had seen anyone since the running "thing". I stopped a few times adding duct tape to my knee and limping some more. I felt I had let Leeya down and she was bitten because of my stupidity. She wasn't as aware of everything as I was and maybe didn't even look under the damn bus. No matter what she was bitten and the look on her face that helpless, why didn't you protect me look was in my head. She had my back on an occasion and I had hers . But I couldn't help but fee I let her down this time. I finally reached the bus and the first gas can was already full the pump had been running this whole time. I hoped the tank hadn't drained and had enough to top off the second can, if it did I would drive the RV here and use the bus to top me off with whatever is left in it.

The smell of the fuel was headache inducing and once I ad them both full I took them and limped back to the RV. Leeya or whatever example of her was there was sleeping like the pun intended and I filled the tank with my two cans of fuel and started it up. A diesel like this you don't want to run low in cold weather and I was grateful it caught and fired up. Priming the system on the road here with what had happened wasn't going to be fun and I was glad.......the RV died again. Crap just as I thought one thing it goes and craps out on me. I got out of the RV and went to the engine in the back and looked for a fuel filter. I found it unscrewed it and filled it back up with the fuel in the cans that I couldn't get into the RV because of the poor angle when pouring. I climbed back in and bam fired it up and this time left the throttle down for a moment.

A cold hand was on my shoulder and a cold breath in my ear as Leeya had crept up behind me to whisper in my ear, "Sorry about before I don't feel real well". She kissed me on the cheek that is road rash she had earlier picked on and then went back to lay down. She was a bi-polar zombie , just great. I ran the RV down the road to the bus and hooked the pump from the bus to the RV and let it run until the bus was empty, I ended up with over half a tank and was glad as turning around now I could make it back to probably the Rhode Island line and hit up the truck stop there again, if that running thing isn't around. I turned around in the middle of the highway and started heading back to the Hotel. Hopefully Brent has calmed down and Fred can give me some help or at least some idea what was wrong compared to Unice.

Leeya slept the entire drive back to the line , at least I think she slept either that or she died again. No snore no movement she was laying completely still without so much as a flinch or twitch. I wondered if I didn't give the first or second shot enough time and maybe overdid it. Maybe I had too long of a gap between the bite and the shots. Whatever it was she wasn't Leeya like she was that morning and she was already missed. I wanted her to be sitting next to me with her playful attitude playing 20 questions or name that tune. She really had a way of making everything seem quite OK. Now with the stress of the world before me and her behind me asleep, I felt the pain of this situation like I had back at my mothers house.

The drive to the line was a little bit slower than the ride the first time but so quiet. It was strange how different the ride was when I was all alone this time with my thoughts. Thoughts can drive a man crazy if they have some time to really run them over and over again. My thoughts were just dark and dreadful. Thoughts of Leeya becoming a "thing" if she wasn't already. Thoughts of the end of life as we know it . Thoughts of my brother and his family and how they are right now. Every aspect of what I was thinking was torn apart with the best and worst case scenarios and also what I had thought was an escape plan. If anyone could tear my ideas apart and make them seem bad it was me, and I was on top of my game.

I took the last exit in Connecticut and turned off the ramp to the gas station that was waiting where the running thing had been. I pulled up to the diesel section and parked next to the pumps. Looking back I could see Leeya sleeping with her back to me, at least I hoped she was sleeping. Climbing out of the RV I walked over to the store and walked under the arm bar you use to push it open, the glass was gone on the lower part and I climbed through to the inside of the store. The store had already been pilfered pretty good but it had a few useful things and I grabbed a slim Jim and some soda and had a snack. I waited inside and listened again for any sound of anything and kept a keen eye on the RV in case anything moved outside or in the RV. Leeya was out like a light but I recalled that Unice was always resting too, maybe it was a side effect of the virus or whatever the chemo was fighting. I got up and walked behind the counter and grabbed about five cartons of smokes and then noticed the pump lights were on, this place had a generator somewhere and the pumps were live. I ran to the door and ducked under the handle and scooted over to the RV and let the handle fill it while I looked around some more.

The RV shook and I heard something moving inside so I left the handle locked and pumping and walked to the door to check on Leeya. As I tried to open the door it popped open into my face and Leeya came stumbling out. "My legs are killing me " she said and fell to the ground. Her legs had once been like porcelain and now were grey with dark purple veins showing like varicose veins. I helped her back up and she staggered into the store while I asked unsuccessfully what she needed. She ignored me and continued into the store. I leaned against the RV and thought more, man the thoughts I have and think about will drive me nuts. She came back out with what looked like two paper bags filled with things. I asked what they were and she pushed by me and climbed in a drunken haze filled stagger to get into the RV. I leaned in and watched her pull out the oddest things like nail polish , chewing gum, and gauze pads. She fell to the ground and started crying and babbled " I don't know what I'm even doing baby". I walked into the RV and held her , she was confused and I think being messed up from the bite and chemo had her going in too many directions mentally and emotionally. "Tell me whats wrong" I asked her. "I can't feel my legs, I'm tired all the time, I'm hungry but not hungry at the same time and my head kills me, and last I keep wanting to say and do one thing and find myself doing the exact opposite and not even saying sorry or correcting it!" I smiled and said " you've been through a lot and we don't know what the effects are or how they work, how much chemo you had. If it took too long. We only have what we know and have done, and I hope it's enough". She continued crying and laid into me and asked sobbingly " You wouldn't kill me would you? Not if I was turning you wouldn't would you baby?" I said " NO you never gave up on me when it was all too easy to. I sure an hell won't give up on you Leeya, not for a million years. I may have to muzzle you though". She started to laugh and then said she was tired so I helped her back to the bed and finished the fuel up. It was a tough day indeed and I was glad to see a spark of the old Leeya .

1 comment:

  1. Weird... Wonder what is going on with her. Sort of trapped between both worlds.